Health officials recall masks after reports that they are a little uncomfortable and look weird
OTTAWA – Canadian health officials have recalled millions of masks after people reported that wearing them makes them feel kinda weird. “Never in the history of public health have we made s…
Trump Hotels to change name after revelation founder had history of racism
NEW YORK CITY – Trump Hotels, a luxury line of hotel accommodations across the United States, has announced that they will be immediately rebranding after stunning revelations that the chain is n…
Torontonians celebrate stage 2 of reopening by continuing to do all the things they weren’t supposed to do before
TORONTO – As Toronto moves cautiously into Phase 2 of reopening in the wake of the deadly COVID-19 Pandemic, people across the GTA celebrated by still doing all the stuff they weren’t suppo…
RE/MAX blows entire operating budget on hot air balloons for 42nd year in a row
DENVER, CO – A group of clearly distraught RE/MAX officials addressed a room full of reporters today to announce that, for the 42nd year in a row, the real estate company has blown their en…
Billionaire child opens his first offshore piggy bank
Cayman Islands – In a right of passage for every child of the .01%, young Mister Chettington Irvine McCain Weston, 6, has been brought to the Cayman Islands in order to open his first offsh…
TTC employees admit delays “just don’t feel the same” without angry commuters
TORONTO – After coronavirus has resulted in the TTC having it’s daily ridership cut in half, TTC employees have reported that they deeply miss the feeling of inconveniencing a million peopl…
Companies offer listening real good in lieu of enacting real change
NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement, executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real har…
Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex
TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex. “I lov…
Nation’s pugs demand to sneeze into your mouth
OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning, stated that the nation’s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them. “While there are man…
Report: your screen time was down 9% from last week for an average of 14 hours a day
OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 1…
