UCP promises to build giant gas-powered fans to clear Alberta skies
EDMONTON – As Alberta experiences yet another day of choking smoke from global warming-induced wildfires, the UCP has assured Albertans that they have a plan to prevent this increasingly co…
UCP under fire for running UCP candidate with UCP policies
Lacombe, AB – After United Conservative Party candidate Jennifer Johnson compared transgender students to feces baked into a cookie, the UCP is facing criticism for selecting a candidate who endo…
Local man enjoys mental health day by neglecting physical health
PRINCE ALBERT, SK – Area man Cameron Elliot has reportedly taken the day away from work to focus on his mental health by indulging in his favourite restoration activity; slowly deterioratin…
Parent who should absolutely never have had children demands say in child’s education
ORILLIA, ON ― Kyle Gardner, the father of four young children whose only hope for becoming decent humans is the public education system, is demanding the right to bypass the public education syst…
Smirking 9 year old just learned the French word for Seal
Woodbridge, ON – Caleb Chen, a Grade 4 student, had a slow smile creep across his face after hearing his teacher pronounce the french word for seal: Phoque. “Every year when we do ani…
Elon Musk assures users his latest tweet too funny to be antisemitic
SAN FRANCISCO – Following backlash against his latest tweet that once again indulges in antisemitic conspiracy theories against George Soros, Twitter CEO Elon Musk has assured users that hi…
Pitch clock resigns baseball players’ nutsacks to unscratched loneliness
Kansas City, MO – The arrival of the pitch clock and other measures to speed up the languid pace of professional baseball has created victims of baseball players’ scrotums, as the lack of customa…
Oilers and Leafs fans seamlessly transition from arguing about which team is going to win the Cup to which team shat the bed worse
TORONTO – Having spent much of the season locked in fierce online battles about whether the Leafs or Oilers would win the Cup, team fans have effortlessly moved on to discussing which team …
Jack Black’s ‘Peaches’ triggers a generation’s sexual awakening
Orangeville, ON – An entire generation is reveling in its sexual awakening, thanks to Jack Black’s wet, hot hit, “Peaches” from the Super Mario Bros. Movie. In the film, Black plays Bowser, a Koo…
Man saves years of accumulated time by referring to 7-Eleven as “Sev”
WINNIPEG — Forty-four year-old Mark O’Shea crossed a major milestone this month, saving nine years of accumulated time by repeatedly referring to 7-Eleven as “Sev.” “As a kid, I found it took for…
