WASHINGTON DC – Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking the Democratic nomination, the path has been cleared fo…
Tag: Sexual Assault
Lindsey Graham demands FBI investigation into whether sexual assault even that big a deal
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the FBI begins its investigation of sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, Senator Lindsay Graham has called for an investigation int…
BOMBSHELL: Brett Kavanaugh’s 1982 day planner introduces evidence that Styx rules
WASHINGTON – After extensive examination by the Senate Judiciary Committee, a calendar from 1982 – submitted by Supreme Court hopeful Brett Kavanaugh to disprove allegations that he c…
Opera house phantom resigns amid allegation of sexual misconduct
PARIS – Amid serious allegations including stalking and sexual harassment, the once beloved disfigured singer, known simply as The Phantom, has stepped down from his role as the mysterious …
Famous comedian accused of sexual assault. No, not that one. Or that one. The other one.
EVERYWHERE – Reports have emerged over the past week of a famous comedian having committed sexual assault on one or more people. Sources indicate that, no, it’s not that famous comedian – t…
Netflix finds Kevin Spacey too morally deficient to play Frank Underwood
LOS GATOS, CA – After years starring as Frank Underwood, Netflix has announced it is ending production of House of Cards, one of its most popular series, following historical allegations th…
Quebec to no longer protect Gilbert Rozon, unless he books Louis CK for JFL 2018
MONTREAL — With the return of sexual assault allegations against Just For Laughs founder Gilbert Rozon, influential members of the Quebec justice system have sworn not to protect him like they di…
Local man optimistic his life will return to normal after being acquitted of bestiality on technicality
EDMONTON – After being acquitted of seven counts of unnatural acts with an animal due to a legal loophole, local horse enthusiast Dan Smith was confident about his prospects going forward. …
Compassionate judge acquits all young men charged with the kind of sexual assaults he got away with at their age
TORONTO – Justice Perry Smith wants the young white men who he routinely sees brought before him on charges of sexual assault and violence against women to know that he’s more than an impar…
Judge rules drunken proclamations of love are legally binding marriages
HALIFAX, NS – A Halifax judge has ruled that drunken proclamations of love constitute legal marriages. “Clearly, a drunk can consent to marriage,” reads the decision in the case of a young …