CALGARY – A new report from the University of Calgary medical school has found that the elusive cure for the common cold is a prescription for cancelling all the plans you made before you got sick.
“Originally we planned to study the effect of an increased amount of dextromethorphan in a guaifenesin based medication,” said Dr. Lisa Montclair, head of the research department. “But then I got a really sore throat right before my wife’s firm Christmas Party, and things kind of went from there.”
“By the time that party actually happened I was laughing and dancing… at home while I ate pizza and watched Netflix,” she added.
The University quickly assembled a study featuring hundreds of local patients infected with nasopharyngitis, usually referred to as the common cold. Well over 90% of them experienced immediate relief from their symptoms as soon as they took a single dose of bailing on previously planned brunches, dates, and get togethers with work colleagues.
“The effects are actually quite amazing. As soon as the text saying ‘ugh, sick, can’t make it, so sorry but let’s catch up soon!’ is sent, the body experiences a rush of endorphins. These endorphins help awaken long dormant antibodies that immediately attack the virus, knocking it out within a few hours!” said scientist Roman Gill.
“The closer to the event start time you are, the quicker the antibodies act,” he added.
The study’s patients couldn’t believe their own turnaround.
“One minute I’m coughing and moaning, thinking about that god damn fundraiser for my son’s hockey team where I was supposed to work the cotton candy machine, and the next I’m up, moving around, eating the cotton candy my wife brought home when she had to fill in for me,” said Thomas Corusco.
The study and the publicity it generated have lead to increased donations for the University research department. They next hope to examine whether pizza and ice cream can effectively treat esophageal cancer.
