Health Canada allows gay men to donate blood so long as they go straight for a year
OTTAWA – Minister of Health Jane Philpott has announced that the federal government will be lifting the restriction on gay men’s blood donation so long as they have been heterosexual for th…
Avid vinyl collector buys first record player
VANCOUVER – After years of collecting vinyl, Joel Young, a barista and amateur longboarder from Kitsilano, BC has finally purchased a record player. “I love collecting records. The touch of the c…
Don Cherry’s personal support worker to host Hockey Night in Canada
TORONTO – Don Cherry’s personal care worker has learned that he will be the host of Hockey Night in Canada replacing George Stroumboulopoulos. The support worker, simply known as “Ron”, has…
Local father already owns every possible tie
WOODSTOCK, ON – Local father Chuck Lowridge has announced that he will not be celebrating Father’s Day this year as he has already been given every possible necktie over the past thirty years. “M…
Crest introduces new yellowing strips for a more mature look
NEW YORK – Oral hygiene and toothpaste maker Crest has unveiled its new yellowing strips in attempt to woo consumers who want that perfect, aging smile. Crest Yellowing Strips and its new t…
Watching deceased father’s hidden, unlabeled VHS tape deemed not worth risk
TIMMINS, ON – Local man, Mark Mcphee, discovered an unmarked VHS tape while packing his recently deceased father’s belongings, a tape which he claims to be not worth the risk of attempting …
ISIS releases kill list, accompanied by fuck, marry lists
OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and ma…
Beyoncé Declines Hillary Clinton’s Offer to Be Running Mate
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Beyoncé Knowles, known by her approximately 6 billion fans worldwide as Queen Bey, has reportedly declined Hillary Clinton’s offer to be her running mate. “It was sweet o…
Filibuster on mass shooting interrupted by new, different mass shooting
WASHINGTON D.C. – Inspired by the recent mass shooting in an Orlando gay nightclub, Senate Democrats, led by Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn.), launched a filibuster to demand new gun control law…
Vegas NHL team excited to open for Jeff Dunham 5 nights a week
LAS VEGAS – The NHL has announced their Las Vegas expansion for the 2017-2018 season will provide an opening act for famed ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. “Yes, this team will be exclusively war…
