STRATFORD, ON — With the holiday season just around the corner, happily childless woman Laura Keller has been preparing for the inevitable moment when a baby will be thrust into her arms under the watchful eyes of several women eating shortbread cookies off of small paper plates.
Reached for comment, Keller explained: “I’ve tried different tactics to prevent being forced to hold a baby. Last year I said I had a cold. The year before that I smeared cake all over my hands. The year before that I stood motionless in the coat closet for three hours. This year I’ve run out of ideas, so it might be time to pretend to know how to hold a baby.”
Family gatherings during the holidays have long been fraught environments for adult women deemed incapable of holding a baby naturally. Keller recalled: “One year when there were no new babies in the family to hold, my Aunt Helen asked me to hold a baby-sized ball of mozzarella. She stood back smiling, then walked out of the room saying ‘it looks good on you’ coyly over her shoulder.
At press time, several holiday moms and aunts were seen huddled around a whiteboard finalizing an elaborate diagram of childless women in the family and the babies they will be forced to hold.