TRENTON, ON – Twenty-three year old Ron Masellis recently converted to Christianity in order to access an incalculable amount of khaki pants. “Originally I mistook an evangelical youth group mee...
Concussed Crosby tattoos ‘you won the 2017 Stanley Cup’ reminder on his torso
PITTSBURGH – In the early morning hours after winning his third Stanley Cup while suffering from what is at least his fifth concussion, Penguins captain Sidney Crosby was seen getting a reminder...
The Rebelton: Defund The CBC
Today’s Rebelton segment about defunding the CBC has a very special sponsor....
Come From Away celebrates award win by screeching-in Tony audience
NEW YORK — The cast and crew of the renowned Canadian musical, Come From Away, celebrated their Tony Award win for ‘Best Musical Director’ by officially screeching in every audience member at th...
Study finds William Fichtner is the name of the guy
LOS ANGELES – According to a new study, the guy’s name – you know, the guy from that one thing – is William Fichtner, a Long Island-born actor with over 80 credits to his name, including several...
TTC plans radical initiative to improve weekend subway service with use of trains
TORONTO – At a press conference held at Kennedy Station, TTC CEO Andy Byford announced a bold new strategy to improve weekend subway service by using actual trains instead of buses. “This is the kind ...
Gingham-clad man slid along reclaimed wood table, thrown through restaurant window in mimosa-fueled brunch brawl
TORONTO – Police are trying to maintain order at local restaurant “Bacon for Forgiveness” after a frequent patron was thrown through a glass window in what is still an ongoing drunken, no-holds-...
Man pretty sure nobody on train will notice him clipping nails, moulting skin
TORONTO – Fairly certain that nobody on his morning commute will notice, local man Paul Markus has begun to slowly clip his nails and tear away his current layer of skin to make room for a new o...
World leaders divided on attending state funeral for Hawaiian pizza inventor
LONDON, ON – World leaders are already divided on whether they will be attending the state funeral on Monday for the controversial Canadian man who invented the Hawaiian pizza. 44 countries have...
City of Toronto announces street closures for Festival of Street Closures
TORONTO – As the 171st annual Festival of Street Closures approaches, the city has released a list of roads that will be inaccessible for the duration of the festival, and also for the rest of the sum...
