TRENTON, ON – Twenty-three year old Ron Masellis recently converted to Christianity in order to access an incalculable amount of khaki pants.
“Originally I mistook an evangelical youth group meeting for a Banana Republic hiring seminar,” Masellis says. “But since then I can say that I’ve seen the tan-coloured light and have been called to the altar. My denim days are behind me now.”
Masellis had been living at his parent’s home for the past two years following his postsecondary graduation. He says he was feeling lost and identity-less before discovering the power of yellow-brown trousers.
“I dabbled in the secular fashions of late 2000s pop-punk and the stylings of the early Internet hipster, but none of that felt true to who I was,” Masellis lamented.
“But I experienced a total spiritual rebirth once I found out that I would be afforded the opportunity to wear beige khakis every single day without judgement. The only person who can judge me? Jesus, and he thinks I look good!”
When pressed about the religious instructions of his new faith, Masellis seemed confused, “I guess the eternal salvation is okay and all, but the real perk is the breathability of a nice cotton-twill.”
Masellis has rededicated himself entirely to what he describes as “the perfect smart-casual trouser choice”. He was last seen espousing the benefits of “sensible fit chinos” to passerbys in song, accompanied by acoustic guitar that he recently picked up.
