Chicago, IL – American health insurers have begun classifying all medical claims as pre-existing conditions and refusing to offer settlements because of the clockwork nature of the physical univ...
Want to feel old? The cast of ‘Student Bodies’ told us they think you’re very old
Every Canadian 90’s kid remembers Student Bodies, that sometimes-corny but oh-so-watchable high school sitcom. But whatever happened to the stars of the show? Well, get ready to feel old, becaus...
Sensing weakness, Loyalists plan recapture of New Hampshire
Kingston, ON – Seeking to exploit the political unrest and economic downtown in the United States of America, loyalists to the British Empire, who were driven to Canada after their defeat in the...
Quiz: What kind of Tinder creep are you?
From news to navigation, smartphones have changed the way we interact with the world around us. One of the biggest impacts smartphones has had is how to be a real creep. Gone are the days when you cou...
Governor General’s soul instantly flung into void of pain upon mistakenly touching the Queen
LONDON – The outgoing Governor General of Canada, David Johnston, suffered an unfortunate disembodiment of his mortal soul earlier today following physical contact with Queen Elizabeth II at Canada 15...
Staunch protectionist Donald Trump demands NAFTA agreement with less regulations, more free trade
Every week Beaverton editor-in-chief Luke Gordon Field assembles some of the country’s best comedians and writers to talk, mock and riff their way through the news of the week. Then he puts thei...
Stats Canada raids millions of homes after learning nation’s families hiding .5 children
OTTAWA – After census data revealed the average Canadian household contains 1.5 children, Stats Canada raided 3 million homes, rescuing some 1.5 million mutated blobs of half-formed human flesh....
Atlantic Canada Tourism
Retire in style on the east coast....
Crazy conspiracy theorist believes eight wealthiest people control more money than 3.5 billion poorest
Sudbury, ON – Observers report that local crackpot Fred Lewis is at it again, insisting to anyone who will listen that eight rich men somehow own more of the world than the 3.5 billion poorest. ...
Australian senator who denied knowing about Canadian citizenship makes suspicious, Canadian-like apology
CANBERRA – An Australian senator who announced her resignation after discovering her dual-citizenship has made a very suspicious, Canadian-sounding apology. Green MP Larissa Waters claimed that ...
