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Insurance companies denying claims due to deterministic nature of universe

Chicago, IL – American insurers have begun classifying all medical claims as pre-existing conditions and refusing to offer settlements because of the clockwork nature of the physical universe.

“Everything that has happened, is happening or ever will happen was set in motion 13.8 billion years ago,” says Annalise Bufford, the spokesperson for the Company Trade Organization. “We can’t be expected to pay out on health problems that began eons before the policy went into effect.”

A small cottage industry of philosophers has sprung up to help customers navigate the increasingly esoteric insurance claims process.

“Like everyone else, I used to make fun of majors,” recent patient Guy Tregowan says. “But now I’m grateful someone spent years of their life learning how to argue that my broken leg was not predestined. I guess everything really does happen for a reason.”

“Shit, I don’t mean that,” Tregowan quickly clarified. “What I meant to say was, thank goodness a stranger exercised their free will and made the capricious decision to get a philosophy degree which had the utterly random and completely unpredictable result of forcing the insurance company to pay my .”

This comes on the heels of the insurance industry’s brief attempt to deny claims by asserting that time is an illusion and we live in a four-dimensional universe where future health problems are pre-existing conditions that have, mathematically speaking, already occurred.

This tactic was quickly dropped when several executives realized that meant they were still and in fact eternally married to their first wives.

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