Kingston, ON – Seeking to exploit the political unrest and economic downtown in the United States of America, loyalists to the British Empire, who were driven to Canada after their defeat in the American revolution, are planning to recapture New Hampshire.
“I’ve done many things in life, I’ve worked as a podiatrist and opened a Country Style franchise.” reported 4th generation American loyalist Jacob Sutterich “but I never forgot what my grandfather taught me, when the time is right drop everything and reunite New Hampshire with the British Crown.”
“We must strike now while America is torn apart by infighting and their leader has been corrupted by the Russian Tsar.”
Most of the loyalists are situated in eastern Ontario. They have tried to garner the support of other areas but both Lower Canada and Rupert’s Land remain indifferent, while the Hudson’s Bay Company has pledged their support if they vow to keep trade routes open. Sutterich hopes to receive more support once he hears back from King George.
“I have been training for my entire life for this” reported Canada Post employee and Loyalist corporal Kenneth Paddington. “I can’t wait to get into battle and line up in a completely straight stationary line in front of the other army and exchange fire.”
Although loyalists have been stockpiling rifles for an imminent attack on New Hampshire most residents seem unconcerned about militias coming from Canada, or anything to do with Canada at all.
But not all New Hampshirites are unprepared “I knew it. I gosh darn knew it. Everyone thought I was crazy for living out here in the woods with a grenade launcher while publishing my own tracts about the upcoming second war for independence” exclaimed local survivalist Jill Stinson. “Now you’re all gonna be sorry when shit hits the fan and you don’t have a canteen of your own iodine treated piss.”
The loyalists are currently being held by US border security after a bayonet charge on the Pittsburg / Chartierville border crossing was defeated by U.S. Customs and Border Protection with cars, non musket firearms and smart phones.