LONDON – The outgoing Governor General of Canada, David Johnston, suffered an unfortunate disembodiment of his mortal soul earlier today following physical contact with Queen Elizabeth II at Canada 150 celebrations in London.
The incident occurred as Johnston was assisting the monarch to descend a flight of stairs following an event celebrating Canada’s 150th anniversary. As the Queen walked down the stairway, her Canadian representative reached out to grab her elbow in assistance, whereupon his internal spirit was violently and immediately cast out through his bodily orifices, leaving a smoking, ruined husk behind.
“It really is too bad but that’s what happens when you break royal protocol,” said Sir Wilford Thorold, Chief Royal Historian to the Queen. “It’s essentially akin to touching the Ark of the Covenant with one hand and a live electrical conduit with the other. You might technically survive but there won’t be anything of value remaining within.”
Johnston’s loss of life force is not unprecedented but has become increasingly rare as the potential consequences of royal etiquette breaches have become known. Thomas of Lancaster, the First Duke of Clarence, was immediately struck deaf and blind upon brushing the hem of the robe of his brother King Henry V. More recently, Sarah Bloomfield, a Cornwall resident, burst into flames upon cheekily shouting “You go, girl” to the Queen during a 2012 visit to her county. And of course the most famously known example, the total and inexplicable evaporation of all people named Gus in the U.K. and their families following the “Queen-hump” scandal in the 70s.
“We have moved Johnston’s gibbering body to emergency care at the hospital while we determine whether his soul is still retrievable from the ether,” said Dr. Catherine Fitzgerald of the Royal London Hospital. “Unfortunately, the incident also caused his eyes to melt out of his head and there is likely nothing we can do about that.”
Experts are split as to what occurs to an individual’s soul after such an egregious violation of the royal person. Some speculate that the shock suffered by a person’s anima is so severe that the soul is instantaneously obliterated, leaving nothing behind. Conversely, other more religious scholars believe that the soul is cast into an immaterial dimension of chaos and pain to suffer for eternity for the sin of touching someone as pure and righteous as the Ruler of the British Empire.
Despite Johnston’s loss of soul, Canadian officials have assured the public that he will be able to resume the responsibilities of the office of Governor General very shortly.