Siblings irate after father buys golden child a better criminal defense attorney
VANCOUVER – Facing the possibility of life sentences, siblings Lee and Elton Konig were furious to find out today that golden child, James Jr., was getting a better criminal defense attorne…
America terrified newly released O.J. Simpson will steal memorabilia again
L.A. – Americans from coast to coast are reporting a deep fear that infamous criminal Orenthal James (O.J.) Simpson will once again commit the deed for which he is most known: breaking into…
Mike Pence protests anthem protest with protest during anthem
INDIANAPOLIS — Citing his refusal to participate in any activity “that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem,” US Vice President voiced his displeasure with NFL players prote…
Grindr update: Headless torso seeks head
VANCOUVER – Local gay hook-up app user h0rse_huñg, whose Grindr profile image features only a naked, headless torso, is reportedly seeking head. While experts speculate that the user may be…
Local ignoramus hopeful the worst is over
Guelph, ON – Ralph Schelling, mortgage broker and certified dunce, was overheard on a local patio expressing cautious optimism to a friend that things may finally be getting better. “I mean…
Netflix raises prices to $11 a month, plus a solemn promise to give Iron Fist a chance
LOS GATOS, CA – Video streaming service Netflix is raising prices for American subscribers, meaning the standard tier will now cost $10.99 a month, and a formal oath to watch and attempt to…
10 steps to contour your face down to a single highlighted cheekbone
Use these ten easy steps to conceal the unsightly and superfluous features of your face! 1. Scrape and shave down your face. A nice rosy complexion will tell you that you should keep scraping, b…
Sex robot makers are buckling to PC pressure and refusing to make one that looks exactly like my mother
By Harold Bilfat In today’s world, self-actualization is valued above all else. Political correctness tells us everyone is special, and we can be whoever we want to be. Yet, on one subject, polit…
Duolingo app keeps telling people to kill in multiple languages
SILICON VALLEY – Popular languages app duolingo has begun using its friendly, interactive interface to instruct millions of people trying to improve their second language to commit brutal, …
Local Brown man begins job interview by denouncing all bad things ever
Markham, ON – While being interviewed for the position of manager at a Sport Chek, local Brown man Anuj Sanil began his interview by eloquently and systematically denouncing all bad things,…
