Brampton, ON — Grocery chain Loblaws, which recently offered $25 gift cards to apologize for a nationwide 14-year-long price fixing scheme on bread, has been accused of subjecting the gift cards to an entirely new price fixing scheme.
“This is absolutely preposterous,” said Galen Weston Jr., Executive Chairman of Loblaw Companies, taking a break from shooting a commercial for PC Choice Pizza Rolls. “How could consumers possibly be suspicious of us, just because we were recently caught fixing the prices on a staple food for 14 years, and then subsequently jacked the prices on milk to offset that?”
“Wait, forget I said that last part,” added Weston.
A class action lawsuit filed filed against Loblaws alleges the $25 bread price-fixing gift cards will come with numerous restrictions for consumers. These include:
- waiving any and all right to future settlements or coupons
- signees are forbidden to ever set foot in any Sobeys, on penalty of flogging
- pledging their first born child to Loblaw Companies Ltd
- any personal information collected will be sold to www.XtremeViagara.net for marketing purposes
- all $25 gift cards can exclusively be spent at Loblaws’ overpriced cheese counter
However, a legal representative for Loblaws insisted the gift cards do not represent another price-fixing scheme. “Everyone knows that my client, Loblaws, hasn’t been involved in a price-fixing scheme for at least a month now,” explained corporate lawyer Wayne Shuckman. “Still, even if the restrictive cards actually were another price-fixing scheme, it would be pretty ingenious, since a grocery store cannot be charged twice for the same crime under double jeopardy.”
“Wait, forget I said that last part,” added Shuckman.
Loblaws customers seem to be taking news of the gift card price-fixing scheme in stride. “Sure I’m probably being ripped off, but at least I’m being ripped off equally by all of Canada’s major grocery retailers,” said Sheila Marks, of Calgary.
“Plus, 25 bucks!” added Marks.
Representatives for Sobeys and Metro assured consumers that they are not offering any shady gift cards, and are still only on the bread price-fixing scheme.