ARBORG, MB – Local man, Edgar Harris, 42, took time out of his annual Easter holiday traditions today to clarify his stance on Canada’s immigration policy, stating that foreigners are ruining t...
Man stays up all night trying to decide on which ringtone to wake up to
KINDERSLEY, SK – Reports indicate that local man Marty Hahn spent the entire previous evening attempting to determine which chime or ringtone will wake him up in the morning. “The ‘Day by Day’ h...
QUIZ: are you a regular lady with a cold sore, or an 18th century harlot dying of the French Pox?
It’s a quandary most of us have had at one point or another. You wake up in the morning, and feel a tingly feeling on your lip. By the time you go to bed, a pustule has started to form. You tell yours...
Elon Musk finally invents a way to fuck gravity
Los Angeles, CA – Tech billionaire Elon Musk announced today, after years of research and million of dollars, that he has finally found a way to put his penis inside the physical constant of gra...
Barrick Gold entombs fifty foreign miners in Peter Munk’s pyramid so he’ll have workers to abuse in afterlife
TORONTO – Deceased Barrick Gold founder and philanthropist Peter Munk will be laid to rest this week in his family’s pyramid along with fifty still-living miners so he can always have someone to...
Doug Ford commits to reducing UN spending, upholding Second Amendment, and granting independence to Catalonia
TORONTO – After suggesting that he would cut the federally funded CBC, Ontario PC Leader Doug Ford has also made some bold pledges including a reduction in UN spending, granting independence to ...
Study confirming your life is weird and sad passes peer review
Toronto – A study confirming that you lead a bad and pathetic life has passed peer review: even though this has always been obvious, even to the layperson. “Obviously getting published in ...
Woman on vacation wonders how much guilt to unpack
CAYO COCO, CUBA – Mother of three, Tricia Spumante, was eagerly awaiting her much needed vacation at an all inclusive resort when it struck her that she had to unpack all the guilt that was acco...
Believe me, the feeling is mutual
By: Kathleen Wynne Look, you may think I’m aloof, cocooned in my Toronto bubble. But I’ve seen the same poll numbers you have. According to Forum and Ipsos-Reid, Ontarians overwhelmingly loathe me. So...
REPORT: Roommate actually does have job
TORONTO, ON- A new study finds that your roommate Tad actually does leave the house sometimes, and that he does, in fact, sometimes leave the house to go to work. “Not that it’s any business of yours,...
