By: Kathleen Wynne
Look, you may think I’m aloof, cocooned in my Toronto bubble. But I’ve seen the same poll numbers you have. According to Forum and Ipsos-Reid, Ontarians overwhelmingly loathe me. So in response, I am writing today to tell all Ontarians that I personally detest each and every single one of you just as much.
During the 5 years that I’ve been premier, I’ve travelled all across this beautiful province of ours. I’ve had the opportunity to shake hands with Ontarians from all walks of life, and can confidently say: you’re all morons. You’re all stupid whiny babies with the same level of political knowledge as a hockey puck.
You may think your hatred for me is unbridled and unmatched, but I can assure you with complete honesty that my disdain for each and every one of this province’s 13.6 million residents, matches if not surpasses your hatred of me.
The key difference is that my hatred is rational and well-earned.
After all, I’ve given you a higher minimum wage, cheaper tuition, vastly improved transit, and lower unemployment, all while incurring no personal scandals and attending the pride parade every year without fail. Truly, these can only be the works of Satan Incarnate.
I’m even bringing in legalized weed and this is how you repay me? For all these accomplishments, you ungrateful sons of bitches are going to hand this government over to what is essentially the Canadian political equivalent of Gary Busey. Do you know what that feels like?
This is why I’ve personally gone out of my way to ensure that when pot is legalized, you will have to buy it from a government store instead of a convenient corner store or grocer. Your inability to handle a minor update to the sex-ed curriculum (showing you clearly aren’t mature enough for the legalization of another impairing substance) did play a part. But mostly, and I want to emphasize this, I did it because after 5 years of being your premier, I can confidently say you all deserve to be as miserable as you’ve made me.
Oh, how I can hear the laments. But Kathleen, what about e-Health? What about hydro? What about ORNGE? What about the gas plants? True, these were all mistakes that cost a lot of money. You know what else cost a lot of money? Cancelling and FILLING IN the Eglinton Crosstown! How’s that for “subways subways subways”? Oh, and about those gas plant emails, that guy was convicted, and might very well go to jail.
Hey, you know what hasn’t happened under my tenure? E-COLI IN THE GODDAMNED WATER.
So by all means, go ahead and vote in the guy who is to Canadian politics what crocs are to shoes. Nothing would fill me with more glee than watching as day by day the reality of what that means sinks in for all of you idiots. I’ll be here, pouring myself a rye and laughing like a pirate as history teaches you a big lesson in disappointment.
P.S. Fuck you.