Aging Canada tells everyone it’s turning 150 again
OTTAWA – Leading up to its July 1st birthday, Canada has been telling people that it is turning 150 for a second year in a row out of fear that it will be thought of as “that gross old coun…
Television cast too attractive
LOS ANGELES – In a wanton disregard for verisimilitude, casting directors announced the leading cast for an upcoming medical drama on Friday, which, according to sources, will feature actor…
Doug Ford cuts millions in education costs by replacing every teacher in Ontario with one retired cop
QUEEN’S PARK – Just days after taking office, Doug Ford has cut education costs in Ontario by firing all 113,672 full time teachers, and replacing them with Gary, a retired cop who has ‘seen some…
Local woman wishes she’d bought more of these pants
VICTORIA – Local pants-wearer Bedelia Katz is furious with herself for not buying more of these pants when she had the chance. “These are the best pants I’ve ever owned,” Katz said. “They’r…
LeBron James announces intention to sign with the Washington Generals
CLEVELAND, OH – In a surprise move this morning, LeBron James officially announced that he will be leaving the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers to sign with the Independent Washington Generals, mo…
Local couple thinking harder than ever about going camping this summer
MONTREAL — Sources say local couple Emily and Mark are spending the long weekend by talking about going camping more seriously than ever. “They’re really going for it this year,…
Living proof that Canada is no better than the U.S. sworn in as Ontario Premier
TORONTO – A walking, talking refutation to the argument that Canada is in some way a more progressive country than the United States was sworn in as Ontario Premier this morning. “We have a…
Andrea Horwath looking forward to continuing to have no power
HAMILTON – After securing a new position as Leader of the Official Opposition, Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath says she’s looking forward to having no power still when the provincial government…
America just going to permanently leave flags at half-mast
AMERICA — In the wake of the latest mass shooting, the United States of America has collectively decided that it makes more sense to leave their flags at half-mast on an ongoing basis. “Low…
New prime minister to be paid 30% less in salary
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. June 25th, 1993 OTTAWA – Canada’s first female prime minister, Kim C…
