Canada promises to regulate legal cannabis with same fairness and efficiency as telecommunications

OTTAWA – Addressing concerns that many Canadians have about the imminent legalisation of recreational cannabis, the federal government has committed to applying the same common sense polici…

KitchenAid’s new abduction oven rapidly cooks, steals your meal

BENTON HARBOUR, MI – Appliance manufacturer KitchenAid has complemented its lineup of induction and convection products with a state-of-the-art abduction oven that briskly prepares and then kidna…

Who didn’t set their gym on fire and murder dozens of classmates when they were a teenager?

By Carrie White As I watched the claims against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanuagh unfold last week, I admit I was disturbed. Not by the alleged details themselves, but by everyone’s rush to j…

South Korea mandates conscription of youth into K-Pop groups

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA – As an escalation of the global culture war, South Korea has mandated the conscription of all its youth to serve time in a K-Pop group. At the age of seventeen all South…

Clean up continues after annual Ford Fest orgy

Vaughan, ON – Combing through the piles of empty drink cups and bottles of lube, efforts are still underway to clean up after this year’s annual Ford Fest fuck spree, with many attendees no…

Irving Corporation to announce the real winners of New Brunswick election before polls close

FREDERICTON – The CEOs of Irving Group of Companies will declare the official winners of the New Brunswick election later tonight well before polls close for the non-official election. Citi…

Sweater mostly cat hair at this point

MONTAGUE, PEI – Sporting her favourite sweater for a weekend gathering, friends of local woman Theresa McCallum, 34, revealed today that the black turtleneck she was wearing was undeniably …

Outdated sex-ed curriculum already has Ontario students pulling out

QUEEN’S PARK – This week the effects of Ontario’s outdated sex-ed curriculum were put on display when many students across the province began to pull out of class. “Everyone knows tha…

Ex-White House aide wishes he hadn’t recorded over all his Trump tapes

WASHINGTON – Recently fired White House aide Marvin Gao is beating himself up for recording over all the secret tapes he made of President Donald J. Trump. “It wasn’t just [former assistant to th…

Rideau Hall asks bored Governor General if she could scale back her backyard rocket-building program

OTTAWA – Officials at the Governor General’s residency has asked Canada’s vice regal to scale back her ambitious space race side-project and return to the more traditional ceremonial duties…