Alcohol reports it's giving YOU up for January - The Beaverton
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Alcohol reports it’s giving YOU up for January

WINNIPEG — Following the holiday season, and after much soul-searching, this week officially declared that it is abstaining from you for the month of January.

“I was starting to feel so bloated”, stated alcohol, aged 12 years. “Every time I hung out with you, I felt so used. I was tired of going to parties and talking to people I absolutely hate, just because they’re there and also hanging out with other alcohol. If I’m being honest, I think I have an allergy to you.”

While many think the withdrawal of you is sudden, alcohol reports it has been thinking of giving you up for a while now, though couldn’t fit it into its schedule. “Summertime is hard because hanging out with you on a patio is great”, and, “Once winter rolls around, it’s the holidays, and you don’t want to be without a person. But the new year is a time for changes.”

“Besides,” alcohol continued, “after that shit you pulled on New Years, I think I need some space.”

Many doctors agree with alcohol that it’s a good thing to take a break, considering that you can be quite needy and totally dependant on alcohol in social situations. In response, alcohol deemed this, “kinda sad”.

While alcohol claims it’s going to give you up for thirty days, depending on how good it feels, it may go longer. “Anything is possible”, continues alcohol. “After a couple of days I already have more energy and I’m making better decisions. Plus I feel a moral superiority over my friends, so that’s cool.”

As of press time alcohol feels really good about it’s decision, but was recently seen with you this last night, because “winter is a rough time of year”.

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