EDMONTON – With the results of all ten questions on the Alberta referendum in, a majority of Albertans have sent a clear message to the world that they are not only Canadian, but also racist.
“The results speak loud and clear,” announced Premier Danielle Smith, visibly relieved at finally knowing on which side of the separatist question she firmly stands. “Seventy-five percent of Albertans have proudly said they are Canadian. And thanks to our deceptively worded questions a further fifty to sixty percent are proudly hostile to immigrants.”
“Albertans have clearly said: We are Canadian. We are Albertan. And a limited number of foreigners can come here to work and pay taxes, but you can’t access the services you are funding because you are not European settlers who arrived in the last 100 years!”
It is not hard to see the source of this fierce pride in the province. The epically long 111 year history of Alberta means that most people can trace their ancestry and allegiance as far back as their parents.
“Why should newcomers fleeing murderous dictatorships get access to services for free?” asked Bryce McDavid of Calgary. “Long ago my ancestors faced the hardship of crossing the continent to tame this wild land with their bare hands. And by ancestors, I mean me when I took a one-way flight from Moncton in 2009 for an accounting position at Suncor.”
It is this soul-defining connection to the land that drove sixty percent of Albertans to protect their elections by supporting a measure to require proof of citizenship when voting, despite the fact this is a non-issue because you already have to be a citizen to be on the voter roll.
“I voted to protect Alberta from voter fraud by immigrants,” said Maria Estrada, a nurse from Red Deer. “Not because it is happening, but because the question made it sound like it might.”
At press time, an audible sigh of relief was heard across the country as even Albertans weren’t dumb enough to vote to open up the clusterfuck known as the constitution.
