WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s press conference leaving impeachment up to Congress, House Democrats have announced they will instead send President Trump “an extra-firm letter this time.”
“No American is above the law, and we are confident President Trump will see how many times we use the words ‘immediately’ and ‘heretofore’, and quickly change his tune,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
The letter, which House Democrats are currently drafting following several weeks of polls and focus-testing, is expected to make a “strong yet not-pushy” case to President Trump that he should “stop doing crimes,” “cool it with the mean nicknames,” and “seriously, please stop doing crime?”
The letter, which Pelosi assured reporters is on official letterhead and “extra-nice paper” is 158 pages long and contains 3 appendices. House Democrats are confident that, upon the letter’s delivery, President Trump will immediately read the entire 158 page document, front to back, and respond promptly.
“We are confident that this thorough and cordial letter will succeed, despite President Trump having ignored our last 47 letters,” Pelosi insisted. “We Democrats are ready to seize this moment in history, stand up for our values, and say ‘please don’t make us fight for anything.’”
With several Democratic members urging the House to begin impeachment proceedings, Pelosi also cautioned, “Pushing for impeachment would fly in the face of our cherished Democrat beliefs of not making a fuss and waiting for the Republicans to admit the rules are important.
Reached for comment, several other prominent Democrats are backing the letter strategy. “I personally worry that the letter was too strongly worded,” admitted Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer. “For example, the part where the letter says, ‘Please ask Putin to stop manipulating our elections’, couldn’t we have said ‘pretty please’, or even ‘pwetty pwease’? I worry that a single ‘please’ will prove that we’ve just sunk to Trump’s level.”
At press time, President Trump has already sent 16 tweets accusing the Democratic letter of “being a deep state plot between George Soros and Sleepy Joe Biden to do a treason.”