Nation’s sweaty men demand arrest of weird summer weather

OTTAWA – Representatives from the nationwide coalition of Canada’s sweaty, clammy, and otherwise moist men have descended on Parliament to demand swift justice against this Fall’s unseasona…

Ontario PCs warn dealing pot could land you 4 years in Queens Park

TORONTO – With the imminent legalization of pot next week, Ontario’s provincial government has released new ads warning that illegal sales of pot could land them four years as a Premier. “T…

Doug Ford ends opposition to Carbon Tax after reading all 2,500 pages of UN Climate Change Report

Luke and the Panel (Nour Hadidi, Courtney Gilmour and Ryan Dillon) talk about how we’re all going to die! They break down why the most recent UN Climate Change Report is a warning that can&…

Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood

WHITEHORSE – A vote hungry municipal candidate roaming through the Whitehorse neighbourhood of Riverdale was safely removed by conservation officers yesterday. The 185 lbs pamphlet-wielding…

Affordable housing: John Tory promises to build one giant detached home for all of Toronto’s poor

TORONTO – Showing a bold new vision for the 2018 mayoral race, John Tory has announced plans to build Toronto’s underprivileged a giant two-bathroom, forty-eight-thousand-bedroom house in t…

Biology: Virgin-ass Greenland shark doesn’t even hit sexual maturity until 150 years old

St John’s, Newfoundland — Despite melting polar ice caps and the global fish population plummeting, marine biologists across the globe have found themselves pointing at the sea, doubled ove…

Ukraine changes national anthem to ‘I kraine, you kraine, we all kraine for Ukraine’

KIEV – In a move that has Ukrainians hopeful for greater unity and world respect, the Ukrainian parliament has voted 412-38 to change the national anthem to a new song, entitled: I kraine, …

NRA announces appropriate time to discuss gun control was just then and now it’s gone

Fairfax, Virginia – The National Rifle Association announced that the appropriate time to discuss gun control had finally arrived. The moment came at exactly 6:45 ET this morning and lasted…

Ontario Medical Association apologizes for calling recreational cannabis a gateway drug by offering free opioid prescriptions

TORONTO – OMA President Dr Nadia Alam has issued an apology to all recreational cannabis users for calling the soon-to-be-legal substance a gateway drug and is offering free prescriptions t…

Canadians thankful they can’t name single Canadian Supreme Court Justice

OTTAWA – As Canadian families from coast-to-coast gathered together for thanksgiving, the vast majority took time to be grateful for the fact they never have, nor likely would, ever know th…