KINGSTON – After a local teen was arrested on suspicion of a terrorist plot, residents were baffled to discover the incident had no apparent connection with Queen’s University or its students.
“You hear a story this terrible on the news and of course, like everyone, your first thought is ‘what did those goddamn Queen’s kids do this time’?” said long-time Kingston resident Earl Johnson, 63.
“Are you sure it wasn’t one of those purple guys?” added his wife, Victoria Brock, 65. “I mean, the kid was charged with knowingly facilitating a terrorist activity – isn’t that what they call organizing Homecoming?”
The RCMP officers conducting the arrest also had their assumptions challenged, after reportedly asking the teen to “put their tams up and keep their Queen’s jacket where I can see it”.
Since its founding in 1841 the University has enjoyed a tense relationship with Kingston residents, and only because of little transgressions like coating city streets in beer bottles from September-April, throwing racist parties and giving the world alumni like Elon Musk and Karla Homolka.
The arrest is believed to be the first Kingston disaster since the birth of Don Cherry not to have any connection to Queen’s. Some thought the 1998 ice storm was unconnected, but it turns out it was caused by the wrath of the gods after some undergrads sang the Oil Thigh too loudly.
An earlier version of this article mistakenly used a photo taken by Cris Vilela of kingstonist.com without permission. The Beaverton regrets the error and is currently slowly lowering the editor responsible into a vat of acid as punishment.