Elementary school kid looks forward to only wearing snow pants for the next 4 months
KINGSTON, ON — As the winter season kicks into full gear, Grade 4 student, Daniel Ready, is officially prepared to only dress in his snowpants for the next 4 months. “I love when my clothes…
Netflix announces darker, grittier reboot of the fireplace channel
LOS ANGELES – Following successful, gritty re-imaginings of childhood staples such Riverdale and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, streaming giant Netflix has announced a reboot of the fireplace channel…
Addict says she can stop bullet journaling anytime
RICHMOND HILL, ON – This past Monday, frantic university student Hanna Bambas reiterated to a group of concerned peers that she does not have a problem and can stop bullet journaling anytim…
Report: Door not as heavy as expected
CHARLOTTETOWN, PEI – Despite being large and made of heavy-looking glass, a report released Monday has concluded that the door to Belle’s Yoga Studio on Belvedere Ave. is way lighter than y…
Chinese government inviting Canadian tourists with authentic geopolitical prisoner experience
BEIJING – The Chinese government is wooing more Canadians to take in the comfort of a customary cell block, breathtaking interrogations, and quiet isolation as part of their new Chinese geo…
Brexit supporters divided on the best way to fuck Northern Ireland
LONDON — After months of contentious debates and cabinet shake-ups, Brexit supporters have still not come to a consensus on the best way to really screw Northern Ireland. “I don’t know what…
Canadian Tire Money Truck Robbery Steals Almost $24
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“Grassroots” Ontario Proud group revealed to be 3 corporations in a trenchcoat
TORONTO — Despite claiming to be a user-funded organization in the 2018 election, the political action group Ontario Proud has been revealed to be 3 development firms standing on each other…
Large Hadron Collider shutting down as scientists opt to do most of their atomic colliding online
GENEVA – In a press conference last week, scientists at CERN announced that the Large Hadron Collider will be shutting down permanently due to a steady decrease in use. The facility, which …
Philadelphia Flyers relieved to learn that everyone else can see Gritty too
PHILADELPHIA – During a media scrum earlier this morning, members of the Philadelphia Flyers were brought close to tears upon learning that mascot Gritty was something other people could se…
