Google admits to installing a phone into its latest personal information gathering device - The Beaverton

Google admits to installing a phone into its latest personal information gathering device

Mountain View, CA – revealed in a press conference today that it has installed a telephone into its latest device for collecting personal information. The conglomerate denies any wrongdoing.

The was installed in the latest version of their flagship Pixel 3, which already tracks users locations, shopping preferences, searches, excuses for being late, sexual proclivities, calories, email correspondences and darkest fears.

“It was decided internally to install the telephone for some of our users who inexplicably prefer live conversations filled with static and dropped words over text and e-mail,” said Gordon McArthur, Google spokesperson.

The fact that Google has a vast swath of private information from every human being within a 100 metre radius of their devices, which they then sell to the highest bidder is common knowledge. The company claims the phone was a goodwill gesture to the people who had helped make the company the 30th largest by revenue in the world. However, some consumers aren’t convinced.

“I don’t understand how they could install this crap into something I use every minute of every day,” said Clarence Downer, a long time Google enthusiast who has voluntarily and eagerly turned over enough information to the company that they could build a clone and replace him without anyone knowing. “To give my parents the ability to surprise me at any time with a phone call is an invasion of privacy that I cannot and will not abide. They need to answer for this.”

Some consumer advocacy groups are worried that the voice data could be more than a drop of water into the ocean of data Google collects every second of every day from everyone. But Google denies the phone is an attempt to add it to its almost limitless cache of private details

McArthur added, “We would never use any of the content from a call to, say, train our AI to create deep fakes. We already have for that.”

Interested In Writing Satire Like This? Check Out A Beaverton Workshop