OTTAWA – Heralding in a new era of government transparency, the Liberal government has announced that it will be replacing its old system of providing internal data about services with a more efficient and deeply petty cabinet leak system.
Requests for information can now be made directly to anonymous sources inside cabinet, the anonymous sources’ spouses, or the anonymous sources’ spouses’ friends and their squash partners.
“Journalists and members of the public who make the request will have it answered within 10 days of the request,” said Information Commissioner Caroline Maynard. “So long as the question specifically requests cabinet to spill the beans on the tension between the Prime Minister and former cabinet minister Jody Wilson-Raybould, there will be a prompt reply.”
Maynard then leaned in closer to members of the media lowering her voice to almost a whisper.
“Speaking of which,” continued the Commissioner, “did you hear about the latest on what Trudeau thought about JWR’s proposed criminal justice reforms? O-M-G. I can’t believe he said that either.”
The new system, designed by that group of mean girls from grade 9, has already seen early success of releasing supposedly secret information in a timely manner.
“I just wanted to know more about how much the government is investing in protecting Pacific Salmon,” explained one environmental reporter from BC. “All I got was a vapid rumour that called Jody a backstabber who was all jealous that Justin was the PM and didn’t care at all about protecting salmon.”