Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy - The Beaverton

Mueller attaches literal smoking gun to report just to keep those fuckers happy

Washington D.C.— Special Prosecutor has reportedly taken the unprecedented step of appending a recently used Colt 45 to his special report to Attorney General William Barr in order make absolutely sure those dipshits don’t come crying to him that it wasn’t what they wanted.

Sources close to the veteran prosecutor say that on hearing concerns from congress members, news pundits, and numerous ordinary Americans that the report might not contain enough information to politically discredit President , Mueller concluded that “words are not gonna be enough for these goddamn ravenous animals”. Despite working on his report for over 19 months, and amassing what insiders have described as “a literal mountain” of evidence, Mueller reportedly became convinced that his report alone might not be enough.

“Then he just grabbed a gun from the nearest security guard’s belt and fired three shots into the Coke machine,” long-time administrative assistant Laura Fren told reporters.

The smoking gun, labelled and referred to as “Appendix G” throughout the report is said to be “still hot enough to keep those greedy little jerks from breathing down my neck” but not so hot as to singe the 9 by 12 inch Manila envelope containing it.

As to the alleged significance of the smoking gun to the Trump Administration’s conduct, the fucking insufferable jerkwads in question have given widely different interpretations.

“The smoking gun is incontrovertible evidence that Trump’s financial ties to have influenced his policy decisions from Day 1,” local dillweed Leon Hewin of Dayton, Ohio told reporters.

“Oh, he absolutely used the gun to signal Wikileaks to leak the Podesta emails back in October 2016,” Mara Renly, a goddamn twit living in San Francisco confidently asserted.

Still, other voters who identified as Trump voters maintained that the smoking gun somehow actually bolstered their support of him. “Mueller’s report is a witch hunt, and that smoking gun only shows President Trump’s commitment to the Second Amendment,” asserted Jim Marlin, a fuckwad from West Virginia.

Numerous other fuckfaces following the story concluded that the gun “has gotta have something to do with the pee tape.”

“It’s just gotta.”

At press time, President Trump has spent the morning tweeting disparaging remarks about the smoking gun and its family.

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