China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’
BEIJING – After a wave of Canadian citizens were suddenly and permanently relocated to China, the country’s Ministry of Culture and Tourism has unveiled an exciting new slogan, ‘Come and you’ll n…
New Canada Food Guide recommends sharing food with friends, you sad lonely fucks
TORONTO – Experts at Health Canada that loneliness is a large factor in proper nutrition, suggesting that Canadians could make huge improvements to their diets, if they stopped being such a…
Unemployed man thinks hockey player lacks hustle
LETHBRIDGE, AB – During a hockey game Tuesday, local unemployed man Gareth Krag became quite outspoken about the lack of hustle shown by players on both teams. Over the 3 hour broadcast, he…
Now that my diplomacy career is over, I’d like to talk to you about the new Huawei Mate 20 Pro
BY: JOHN MCCALLUM, CANADA’S FORMER AMBASSADOR TO CHINA Canada’s relationship with China is incredibly important in an age of globalization, changing technology, and free trade, but nothing …
Bruce McArthur pleads guilty, Toronto police still skeptical
TORONTO – Urging the public to not jump to any conclusions, Toronto Police Services have issued a statement to remind the public that just because Bruce McArthur has pleaded guilty to eight…
Toronto man who wasn’t speaking told to stop complaining about the snow
TORONTO – Despite the fact that he hasn’t actually said anything about the recent snowstorm, local man Jamal Cook has been frequently told by friends and colleagues from other parts of Cana…
Small-town theatre critic pans community production with 4.5 star review
GUELPH – Local theatre critic Gregory Stephens held nothing back reviewing a local production of Tennessee Williams’s “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” issuing a lowly 4.5 out of 5 stars. Unli…
Kingston residents shocked to discover terror plot not the fault of Queen’s students
KINGSTON – After a local teen was arrested on suspicion of a terrorist plot, residents were baffled to discover the incident had no apparent connection with Queen’s University or its students. “Y…
‘Yes, I am Jason’s mother,’ says wig-wearing Kenney opening the door to allowance-claimed retirement residence
CALGARY – Journalists who visited the residency claimed by UPC Leader Jason Kenney for a housing allowance found a man who suspiciously resembled Jason Kenney wearing a wig and a night gown…
White friend claims dreadlocks part of their cultural tradition of looking like a dumbass
St. Catharines, ON – Local white friend Caitlynn Matthews says her traditionally-Black hairstyle doesn’t count as cultural appropriation due to her family’s long-standing custom of looking like t…
