CALGARY – In a tactical move that experts are applauding for its cold-hearted precision, Meeghan Summers obliterated her long-time office rival Irina Kowalski with an “As per my last email” coup de grace.
“I had been volleying emails back and forth with Irina from HR for what I can only imagine is years, if not decades, about the status of my vacation days,” Summers said while mopping sweat off her forehead. “But when she asked if I had submitted my calendar, when it was clearly the last thing I sent her, I fucking lost it.”
Summers dodged many a “Let’s circle back to this” and “We need to table this discussion” to deliver her final blow. Employees within a 50 meter radius of Kowalski’s computer felt the impact of Summers scathing, professional reminder to check her last email.
Kowalski immediately provided Summers her approved vacation days and surrendered by filing her own two-weeks notice. “I recognized that I had been defeated by a greater opponent. She was simply too strong for me to placate any longer.”
As of Monday, Summers remains the office’s reigning champ of efficient emailing. However sources report that she has been luring co-workers into taking conversations “offline” in order to “touch base” and “unpack” ideas.
“I don’t know what to do anymore, she’s a menace,” sobbed Allan Peterson, Summers’ boss. “Anytime someone lingers too long in a reply or dares to ask for more information, she vows to behead their entire family and drape herself in their entrails. This problem has scaled faster than I anticipated!”
Summers was last seen sauntering through the halls, yielding a pickaxe, demanding people show themselves so that she could “pick their brains.”