Archeologists determine newly uncovered artifact either torture device or women’s fashion
LONDON, UK – Archeologists have uncovered a series of artifacts dated to the 6th century in Northern France this week, identifying them as either an instrument of torture and humiliation, …
Frontrunning bid to build Canadian warships consisted of flipbook of stills from Speed 2: Cruise Control
OTTAWA – Taxpayer groups and competing defence contractors alike are calling foul after it was revealed Lockheed Martin’s bid for a $60 billion contract to build Canada’s next generation of…
Report: Facebook pretty much just pet obituaries now
TORONTO – A new report released by the University of Toronto suggests that 90% of recent Facebook posts are messages of love for recently deceased domestic animals. The social media site, once va…
Mars probe glad to leave doomed Earth behind
PASADENA, CA – After successfully landing on the Martian surface, InSight, the $1 billion NASA probe, relayed the message back to headquarters that it’s glad to be off that “God forsaken” r…
GM asks for another bailout to improve efficiency of lay-off process
OSHAWA, ON – General Motors Canada is asking the federal and provincial governments for another financial bailout to help the corporation to terminate employment for thousands of Canadians …
Taco Bell introduces Cheesy Gordita Trough
Irvine, CA – Building on some of their most popular menu items and the basest instincts of their customers, Taco Bell unveiled their newest menu item, the Cheesy Gordita Trough. “We took th…
Canadian backpacker joins migrant caravan for ‘authentic Central American experience’
TIJUANA, MEXICO – Canadian Backpacker, Max Henderson, 22, previously reported missing during his backpacking trip through Central America, has been found traveling with a caravan of over 40…
Cannabis tourist expected Toronto to be cooler
TORONTO – Visitors from the U.S. were dismayed this week to learn that despite Canada’s recent marijuana legalization, the city of Toronto is still extremely boring. Ohio native Jenna Blake…
Curling team kicked off ice for being too sober
CALGARY — Local curling team, the Cowtown Curly Fries, were ejected from their match at the Calgary Bi-Annual Bonspiel yesterday for showing up to play completely unimpaired. Referee Dan Mi…
Trump clarifies that massive Chinese tariffs will not include racist T-shirts
WASHINGTON, DC – Following his controversial $200 billion tariffs on Chinese imports, President Trump clarified this week that the tariffs would not apply to racially insensitive clothing. “Many …
