MONTREAL – Moments after doing a line of ketamine last night, Holden Morrisey, 23, revealed to an astonished crowd of warehouse partygoers that the can of Diet Coke his friend was holding would lead to his eventual death.
“As an artist, I refuse to police anyone’s actions, but I want him to be healthy and here because I couldn’t imagine a life without him. We’ve been best friends since elementary school. It’s just frustrating, you know, when you see people you care about willfully destroying themselves,” Morrisey declared while cutting another gigantic line of veterinary anesthetic.
After snorting the ketamine in one fell swoop, a sweaty Morrisey explained that his anger stems from the damaging effects that aspartame has on the human body. “Cancer, seizures, depression— even weight gain? Doesn’t that nix the entire ‘diet’ concept of Diet Coke?!” slurred Morrisey, whose pupils rapidly started dilating.
Morrisey doubled down on his previous statements after taking three minutes to find the Google app on his phone, reiterating that aspartame has been shown to increase the risk of debilitating ailments such as Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, and Cancer—again—just for good measure.
“On top of that, Diet Coke just has a nasty aftertaasateere…” mumbled Morrisey before slipping onto the ground and throwing up on himself.
“Yeah, he’s falling into a k hole, maybe just give him a few minutes before calling the ambulance. His parents will be so pissed,” said James Gallagher, 24, who identified himself as the friend Morrisey was lamenting about just seconds ago. “Diet Coke just tastes better to me, and I was a husky kid, so, um… I really don’t know what to say here,” remarked Gallagher before rolling his eyes, finishing his aspartame-laced beverage, and ordering an Uber.
At press time, it was revealed that Morrisey’s passionate defense of healthy living empowered a nearby crack user to finally convince his friend to quit “Juuling.”