CALGARY — Reports indicate that local man, Michael Greenwich, refuses to use the 23andMe kit gifted to him by his Mother out of a fear that they will duplicate his absolutely heinous DNA.
“They aren’t getting their hands on mine,” stated Greenwich, who constantly smells like hotdog water and can’t lift more than ten pounds.
Greenwich’s concern over being cloned has befuddled those close to him, including his roommate, Leon Miller, who noted, “Even if cloning were possible he’s not exactly the ideal specimen. He subsists solely on cool ranch doritos and he gets carsick riding escalators.”
According to Miller, if the cloning process were to take place, Greenwich’s duplicate would likely inherit his webbed toes, dense unibrow, and poor posture. Not to mention his inability to get out of bed before 3pm and his room-clearing flatulence that, according to witnesses, “smell like the stomach contents of a dead possum”.
Greenwich’s doctor, Melissa Hayer, weighed in, stating, “Michael has the physical constitution of bowl of jello. He gets out of breath moving from the waiting room to the examination table and he once caught pneumonia from eating a fudgesicle. They’d be better be better off cloning another sheep.”
“There’s something sinister happening in those labs,” Greenwich postulated, “And you can bet I won’t have my DNA used for some government super soldier project.”
Greenwich has previously been rejected from the army a number of times, due to his poor physical health and even worse work ethic.
At press time Greenwich’s Mother was quoted saying, “Do they clone people at 23andMe!? Oh God, please don’t let them have Micheal’s DNA!”