SNC-Lavalin employee retires

OTTAWA – After 38 years of loyal service, a long-time SNC-Lavalin employee has announced he is punching the clock for the last time. Michael Wernick, government relations coordinator for th…

Local man blissfully unaware he’s picked as kill during every game of Fuck, Marry, Kill

OSHAWA – The game of Fuck, Marry, Kill is a popular social activity where players are presented with three romantic options and must sort them into the titular categories as they see fit. U…

Ford government increases high school class size to reduce learning

TORONTO – Education minister Lisa Thompson recently announced that class sizes for grade four and above will increase from 22 to 28 students, resulting in a 4% reduction in costs, and 8% re…

JK Rowling reveals Harry Potter voted against Brexit

EDINBURGH – Continuing her trend of making proclamations about her characters’ personal lives, Harry Potter author JK Rowling announced this week that her titular boy wizard voted “remain” in the…

Scientists posit existence of universe where you can nap and not feel like hot garbage afterwards

TORONTO – In a recent breakthrough, a team of scientists at the University of Toronto have posited the reality of a parallel universe where naps don’t make an individual feel like a disgust…

Poll shows Canadian consumers want electric eel powered vehicles and they want them now

OTTAWA – A new poll has revealed that nearly 64% of Canadians want electric eels to replace gasoline as the primary transportation power source in Canada, and they want the conversion to ha…

Local man using cigarettes to quit vaping

WINNIPEG — After years of failing to quit the “disgusting habit” of vaping, Andrew Bunns has finally weaned himself off it by burning Tobacco and then inhaling the smoke, colloquially known…

“Stupid comic book nerds,” says man who can name every Patriots player from the last 60 years

Hamilton, ON – Local sports enthusiast Jim Clement was overheard last week laughing about how comic book fans are nothing but a bunch of “obsessive nerds who need lives,” after having a len…

‘They’re heroes,’ says man who called former cabinet ministers unqualified diversity hires two months ago

OTTAWA – Early reports indicate that local partisan Bruce Thompson has had a sudden embrace of former cabinet ministers Jody Wilson-Raybould and Jane Philpott after years of calling them sh…

Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is

Brandon, MB – Local man Steven Bach is getting the feeling that the time to figure out what Brexit actually is has long since passed. “I saw on the news that the UK government might fall du…