It’s the height of summer and you know what that means: patios, fun in the sun, and everyone who’s anyone taking to the BEACH, searching for that perfect beach body. The police are also there, on the beach, searching for the body. So here are 5 proven ways to get to it before they do!
One great way to unlock that coveted body is HIIT. This is an acronym that stands for High Intensity Interval Training, a mode of exercise that quickly raises and lowers your heart rate. It’s also the word “hit” screamed aloud and prolonged, commanding you to hit the suitcase lock with any large, dense object. Quickly now – I think those are lights and sirens in the distance.
2) Intermittent fasting
By only eating during a tight window every day, you can affect powerful changes in your physiognomy. Also, when advancing down the beach toward the suitcase with the body inside, you must remember to only go fast intermittently. Yes, it’s important to get there before the police do, but whenever someone looks over at you, you should appear to be casually walking down the beach, just having a chill time.
3) Weight training
This can be a powerful way to put on muscle, but just remember that it’s more about increasing the reps, and not how much metal you can heft at once. Also remember that it is imperative that you heft the body in the suitcase easily and in one go, so that it appears like a normal, mid-weight object, and not the grizzly albatross around the neck of your whole future. Oh, and it may be a cliche, but don’t forget about the legs! They are very buoyant.
Especially in summer, what better way to get a total-body workout while continuing to work toward your goals than to jump in the water? Fun side note: if you are swimming out into the ocean using the suitcase as a floatation device, the police will need to call in boats to detain you, giving you a couple of precious extra minutes to make your escape!
Let this be the secret weapon in your beach body arsenal, and you might find that you don’t have to work nearly as hard as you thought. Only you can decide what appearance you’re happy with. Only you can choose to take society’s judgements and pressures into account. By sociopathically lying to the police in the face of overwhelming suspicion of guilt, you can walk free and continue indulging your special pursuits and unusual appetites. Let them worry about corporeal mortal flesh. You are God.
Have fun out there!