Study shows women without spouses are happier, healthier and so horny

OTTAWA, ON — A recent study has revealed that women without the partnership of a spouse exhibit characteristics of more happiness, better health and the most horniness a person can feel. Th…

Scientists taught this bear to mimic facial expressions but in a mean way

VANCOUVER – Bear lovers rejoice! We are officially one step closer to fully communicating with our furry friends. For the first time in history, scientists have taught a bear to mimic human facia…

Montreal riots after Boston loss

MONTREAL – Hundreds of rowdy revelers were arrested and businesses were looted in Montreal after an opposing team beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. “We did it!” said Michel Tan…

Local woman adds additional book on productivity to impressive collection of half-read books on productivity

TORONTO – After a shopping trip to the Eaton Centre earlier today, Michelle Johnson returned home with yet another book on productivity to add to her already vast collection of never finish…

CRA defends “Twelve strikes, you’re out!” rule for millionaire tax dodgers

OTTAWA – The Canada Revenue Agency is insisting that another secret settlement that allows wealthy individuals and corporations who engaged in offshore tax avoidance schemes to avoid public…

Millennial lottery winner excited to finally quit one of his five jobs

VANCOUVER – Thirty-one year old lottery winner Michael R. Fernandez announced today that his recent winnings will allow him to finally hand-in his notice of resignation at one of the five j…

Trump announces tariff on Canada’s three-pointers

OAKLAND, CA – US President Donald Trump has issued trade sanctions against all of Canada’s three-pointers. The President applied Section 232 Trade Expansion Act which slapped a one-point fi…

Belize changes national anthem to ‘Belize It or Not, I’m Walking on Air’

BELMOPAN, BELIZE- After a parliamentary debate that stretched into the wee hours, the government of Belize, the Central American country of approximately 400,000 people changed its national anthe…

Caledon teen debates pawning grandparent’s Royal Canadian Mint collection to pay for coke

CALEDON, ON – Last Friday, Davin Charles, 17, was gifted a collection of Royal Canadian Mint, forcing Charles into a difficult predicament when he realized it’s resale value was the equivalent of…

Report: Laptop tired of staying up until 3am every night

TORONTO – According to reports, Stephanie McGrath’s laptop simply can’t keep up with her late nights, most often consisting of google searches such as “Tilda Swinton how old” and Buzzfeed q…