12-year-old girl ready to take on world after purchase of puka shell necklace
CALGARY, AB — Grade 4 student and fifth in line for being most popular, Cydney Applebaum, has reported feeling ecstatic after her recent purchase of a white puka shell necklace on a recent …
Realtor has good feeling about couple that’s been complaining about housing prices for 35 minutes
TORONTO — Local realtor Ann Wilber is reportedly “getting some really good vibes” off of house hunting couple Shiela and Martin Rourke, who have been loudly decrying the unfairness of condo price…
Man watching porn on incognito mode pretty sure he has everyone fooled
Timmins, ON – Troy Lambert, a cunning rapscallion, believes he has gotten one over on the universe by watching pornography using google chrome’s incognito mode. “Now no one will know that I…
How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at work
We all love classic water cooler chats with our fellow co-workers, but if you’re having trouble connecting with those at your good ol’ 9-to-5, here are some ways to break the ice… by talking abou…
Rogers unveils new “Worse Than Your Current Plan” plans
TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on. Rogers’ new Wor…
SNC-Lavalin wins Ottawa LRT bid with a blank sheet of paper for proposal
OTTAWA – The City of Ottawa has confirmed SNC-Lavalin will construct Stage 3 of the Ottawa LRT after submitting a blank sheet of paper as a design. Despite lacking any details on trains, tr…
In lieu of speaking French, Peter MacKay to run his nails down a chalkboard
HALIFAX – Conservative Party leadership hopeful Peter MacKay has decided to stop speaking in one of Canada’s official languages by substituting his French with the screeching noise made by …
Mum just calling to check you don’t have coronavirus
Oakville, ON — While she’s sure you’d be in touch if anything was wrong, your mum just called to check you don’t have coronavirus. “I’ve heard it’s been going around and I wanted to be sure,” she…
Bell CEO’s mental health dramatically improves after millions of dollars of free advertising
TORONTO – Bell Canada Enterprises CEO Mirko Bibic’s mental health improved substantially after seeing the millions of dollars generated from #BellLetsTalk, a free advertising campaign…
