Tax-cheating drunk driver furious about protesters not respecting the rule of law

VANCOUVER – Walter Cline, a man who knowingly cheats on his taxes every single year and drives drunk several times a month, thinks it’s just disgusting that some people have broken the law …

Algorithm scrambles to get woman perfect, last-minute Valentine’s Day gift

TORONTO – A series of preset coded instructions attune to the online habits of Sara Ketema rushed to present a perfect Valentine’s Day gift to its monitored host, though many experts argue …

Local woman celebrates Valentine’s Day by refusing to speak to any man dead or alive

Niagara, ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine’s Day while single: completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth, an…

Brand new TTC vehicle pre-emptively self-combusts to save everyone some time

TORONTO – After hearing stories about the chaos caused by Toronto Transit vehicles meeting their ends in fires, crashes, and nonstop signal problems, a new bus scheduled to begin service in Toron…

Bombardier ask for another $3.7 billion to study the effects of government money going through a jet engine

MONTREAL – Executives at Bombardier Inc. have asked the federal and provincial governments for another $3.7 billion in government grants and subsidies for a special research project whereby…

“Couldn’t they have called the coronavirus something else?” asks local man named Covid-19

CALGARY – The international community now has a name for the coronavirus that’s killed over a thousand people and sickened tens of thousands more, Covid-19, and a local man with the same na…

Postmedia columnists take a break from dehumanizing drug users to humanize Jordan Peterson’s drug problem

TORONTO – Postmedia columnists have taken time out of their busy days of condemning safe consumption sites and the “dangerous people” who use them to address Jordan Peterson’s addiction to …

Local man glad he hung onto cough mask from SARS outbreak

TORONTO – As the danger from Coronavirus increases daily, Keith Dellware is reportedly congratulating himself on his foresight and frugality by holding on to the same cough mask he wore dur…

Ontario teachers reject gov’s latest offer of ‘Ford gets to punch one teacher in the face every day’

TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford …

GasLink claims many First Nations support the pipeline, just not the one whose land they’re putting the pipeline on

VANCOUVER- The company behind the Coastal GasLink pipeline has reasserted that many First Nations have signed off on the project, just not the nation whose unceded land they are currently buildin…