WASHINGTON, DC- The United States government announced today that it will send active duty troops to the chaos plagued country of the United States to help quell the growing civic unrest.
“America is an important part of America’s strategic interests in the region and we can’t allow the country to fall into chaos,” said secretary of state Mike Pompeo. “As such we will be sending in military advisors to assist the government in restoring order, especially around the oilfields.”
Pompeo also reaffirmed that the troops would not be deployed in the United States for longer than necessary to restore order. “While it is this administration’s objective to end the insurrection, we cannot impose our policies onto a sovereign state. At the end of the day, the United States will have to learn to handle their own internal conflicts.”
Some critics warn the deployment could pull the US into a quagmire similar to Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan. “US intelligence is not good enough,” Claimed Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “There are religious, racial, and cultural differences that they don’t really grasp, they have very few troops or intelligence officers who can read or write well in the main language, called English, used throughout the region, never mind the various local dialects.”
A former British colony, the United States of America won its independence in 1783. However, since it’s inception the country’s history has been filled with strife and discontent, including a long history of domestic terrorism, a civil war and an insistence on spelling the word colour wrong.
As American officials consider sending troops into the United States, intelligence and defence experts are confident their forces will not face a prolonged counter-insurgency should they invade the troubled North American republic. Pentagon analysts are confident that Americans will greet the U.S. troops as liberators.
At press time, The UN is largely condemning the intervention, although Russia and China supported the measure.