VARIOUS LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD – Following President Donald Trump’s announcement that the United States is designating ANTIFA as a terrorist organization, the loosely connected individuals around the world involved in the movement to oppose fascism were surprised to discover that they are in fact all one big organization.
“All this time all I thought I was doing was taking direct action to fight nazis,” stated self-professed anti-fascist Mattheus Grant of Eugene, OR. “But when I learned that I’m actually a member of an organization, I got so excited! Maybe we can get an office now?”
Across the internet, large swaths of otherwise barely connected people who happen to hold the same belief system began speculating if they, too, now constitute an “organization”. Formal requests for recognition have already been filed on behalf of vegetarians, people who insist on continuing to watch Riverdale, and Libras.
The United States is currently only able to classify foreign entities as terrorist organizations, leading American adherents to the ANTIFA movement to the further surprise discovery that they are in fact now foreigners.
“No kidding!” responded Alana Weaver – a Chicago area clothing designer who believes that the slow creep of fascism must be opposed at all costs – upon learning that she was now a foreigner. “Do I get to pick what country I’m from now? Can I be Norweigian?”
Due to the fact that the U.S. currently has no domestic terrorism law, ANTIFA represents the first domestic entity to be legally designated as a terrorist organization. When asked if this meant that the federal government would proceed to change the designation for such entities not currently designated as terrorist organizations like the Ku Klux Klan, the Aryan Nations, the National Rifle Association, or the police, the White House declined to comment.
The leaders of ANTIFA could not be reached for comment because they do not exist.