Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose

TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…

Alberta Court of Appeal orders climate change to respect provincial boundaries

EDMONTON – Before striking down the federal carbon tax as unconstitutional, the Alberta Court of Appeal has ordered climate change to only occur within provincial borders according to how e…

Teck pulls application for oil sands mine after finding out about the existence of oil prices

FORT McMURRAY, AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the co…

Weinstein threatens to sexually assault courthouse unless ending scene of his trial is re-written

NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse…

Teen files lawsuit against Juul after seeing everyone looking cool as hell doing it

REGINA, SK – A local teen has filed a lawsuit against the popular vaping company Juul after seeing how cool his peers looked filing their own. “I was late to vaping in the first place,” sai…

OPP: We have exhausted all forms of polite colonialism

TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism. “We graciously asked them to le…

Horrified Conservative Party realizes they never told Scheer he was fired

OTTAWA — After a video of Andrew Scheer railing against CBC’s stance on the preschool cartoon Paw Patrol went viral, panic gripped the Conservative Party’s top members upon realizing they’d…

Local woman sets world record by muting group chat in .076 seconds

Local woman Kathryn Tepittin has set a world record by muting a group chat on her phone only 0.076 seconds after the initial message was sent. “The moment I saw ‘Hey guys, sorry for the group mes…

Leafs lose after failing to call up emergency backup team

TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have lost a critical game against the Carolina Hurricanes after coach Sheldon Keefe allowed his full roster of players to remain on the ice despite feignin…

Cruise lines now offer deluxe coronavirus upgrade over basic norovirus package

SANTA CLARITA, CA – Cruise companies across the world have begun offering passengers a choice between the default norovirus infection typically received aboard ship and an upgrade to a higher-end…