Companies offer listening real good in lieu of enacting real change

NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement, executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real har…

Ben Mulroney steps aside from ETalk to make space for White Saviour complex

TORONTO – Amidst the controversy surrounding wife Jessica Mulroney, Etalk anchor Ben Mulroney has announced his departure from the show in order to focus on his white savior complex. “I lov…

Nation’s pugs demand to sneeze into your mouth

OTTAWA – A press statement released by the Pug Unification Guild this morning, stated that the nation’s pugs demand access to human mouths in order to sneeze into them. “While there are man…

Report: your screen time was down 9% from last week for an average of 14 hours a day

OTTAWA – After spending 16 hours and 15 minutes per day on your phone last week early reports from your iPhone screen time alert indicate that number is down to a marginally less alarming 1…

Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement

TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at…

Local father tries to remember not to call himself ‘daddy’ when his children aren’t around

REVELSTOKE, BC – Father of three Brian O’Shaughnessy is trying hard to scale back his habit of referring to himself as ‘Daddy’ instead of ‘Brian’ in conversations where he is not speaking d…

Inclusivity win! Hallmark introduces golf-free Father’s Day cards

In anticipation of this year’s Father’s Day, Hallmark has released a set of greeting cards that finally pays homage to all the fathers who do not play golf. Whereas before the only kind of Father…

As U.S. celebrates 155 years since end of slavery, Canada celebrates 153 years of pretending we never had slavery

OTTAWA – Yesterday the U.S. commemorated Juneteenth, the day widely regarded as marking the official end of slavery in the U.S., and today Canada is preparing to celebrate our 153rd straigh…

5 Father’s Day gifts that will almost make up for not going to law school

Father’s Day is almost here and, if you’re like me, you haven’t gotten your dad anything, let alone anything that will finally get him to forgive you for not going to law school! While nothing wi…

Canada wins seat on UN Insecurity Council

NEW YORK – Claiming that they “will probably just fuck it up like we always do”, Canadian diplomats celebrated the country’s election to a seat on the United Nations Insecurity Council. “It…