VANCOUVER — Weeks after a mandatory mask policy was put in place on public transit, 35 year-old Devon McCarthy was fed up with people refusing to comply. After glaring judgmentally at maskless people on buses and subways yielded minimal results, she quickly discovered that performing practice glares before boarding led to a dramatic increase in mask-wearing.
“I treat it like an exercise regime,” she said, pinching her mask tightly over the bridge of her nose and applying hand sanitizer like a gymnast about to perform an Olympic routine. “You have to warm up first to get the best reactions. If I hop on the subway without at least a few practice glares, I get mediocre results at best. A couple of embarrassed looks here, an uncomfortable shuffle there, but ultimately no one cares.”
“But if I even get five minutes to really warm up- I’m talkin’ the judgmental eyebrow raises, the ol’ squinty eyes, the disappointed head shake- then I guarantee you everyone on that bus will feel my wrath and masks will be pulled up faster than you can say ‘global pandemic.’”
One of McCarthy’s most recent victims, 54-year-old Roger Bridges, recounted his experience as a warning to others.
“I had pulled down my mask to answer a phone call from a buddy about our upcoming poker night,” he said, still shaken from the experience. “Big deal, right? But then I saw this woman glaring at me from the complete other side of the bus, and it was like being hit by a pissed-off Mac Truck. The next thing I knew, I had hung up the phone, pulled my mask up, and made a public apology in front of everyone.”
McCarthy proudly stated that Health Canada had recently called to thank her for her noble service.
“Patty Hajdu herself told me that I alone had made a bigger impact on flattening the curve than anything else they had tried so far,” she beamed. “They’re working on getting me a government job teaching glaring workshops to public service workers.”
At press time, McCarthy had just made two maskless teenagers cry after being given extra time to warm-up in the form of a bus delay.