DALLAS – Following the news that Scientific American has endorsed a presidential candidate for the first time in its 175 year history, its rival publication, Pseudoscientific American, the magazine for people who drink their own urine, has officially thrown its tinfoil hat in the endorsement ring by backing Donald Trump.
“Donald Trump has the pleasing skull shape of a natural born leader,” according to Thadeus Morton, the editor-in-chief of Pseudoscientific American, “and all of the visible genetic markers one would expect from a scion of a pure Occidental bloodline.”
While Scientific American’s endorsement of Joe Biden focuses primarily on his proposed policies and the negative effects of the current Trump presidency, Pseudoscientific American’s endorsement of Trump uses the candidates’ birth star charts to prove that Biden would not only be a terrible president, but, according to his rising planets, probably died five years ago.
“Trump is infested with very few body thetans, and is thus immune to the mind control effects of the lizard overlords. Biden is, if not one of the lizards himself, likely on good terms with them, he seems to get along with everyone,” Morton explains.
The endorsement of Trump isn’t entirely positive. “One aspect of Trump’s presidency that does give us pause is that the installation of 5G towers has greatly increased since 2016, which as we all know led to the current pandemic. But we believe they’re part of his plan to use the U.S.’s naturally occurring ley lines to track and capture all the elite pedophiles preying on children’s adrenochrome, so we’re just going to trust that he knows what he’s doing.”
Morton concludes his endorsement by pointing out that the Ouija board he consulted about whether to endorse Trump didn’t know what it was talking about and that “TRUMP WILL DESTROY YOU ALL” could have many possible interpretations.