Police say that anti-Nazi graffiti “hits close to home”

OAKVILLE, ON – After a monument commemorating soldiers who fought in Hitler’s SS was vandalized with spray paint recently, Halton Regional Police have declared that “this hate crime hits es…

Bike Courier delivering Soufflé is absolutely fucked

TORONTO– With fancy restaurants’ doors closed nationwide, many bougie businesses have turned to delivery apps, entrusting their delicate dishes to hungover teenagers riding bicycles. This has bec…

Enlightened Edmonton CFL team discovers that money is more important than being racist

EDMONTON – The Edmonton Eskimos will change its name after the team’s corporate leadership discovered that having money is more important than being racist. In the wake of sponsors threaten…

Local mom shocked to discover ACAB doesn’t stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze”

Muskoka, ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ACAB” did not commonly stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze.” “I thought this whole time I was just celebr…

New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole

TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole. The new designation indicates…

Liberals appoint WE Charity to investigate WE Charity conflict of interest scandal

OTTAWA – Acknowledging that an outside investigator is needed to look into allegations that the Liberals handed a billion dollar grant program to a Charity with extensive ties to Bill Morne…

The Beaverton’s top five four three two one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood

Guess what, Beav Babes? The annual list you’ve been waiting for is finally here! Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on, 100% gui…

Resident Evil Village Review: A relaxing escape from reality

RACCOON CITY – The eighth instalment of the Resident Evil franchise continues right where the series left off, inserting the player in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic wasteland that quic…

Doug Ford reveals Stage 3 has no plan to re-open schools, but will lower drinking age to 8

QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by l…

Fate of global superpower once again rests on immune system of old lady

BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood …