Local mom shocked to discover ACAB doesn’t stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze”

Muskoka, ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ACAB” did not commonly stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze.” “I thought this whole time I was just celebr…

New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole

TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole. The new designation indicates…

Liberals appoint WE Charity to investigate WE Charity conflict of interest scandal

OTTAWA – Acknowledging that an outside investigator is needed to look into allegations that the Liberals handed a billion dollar grant program to a Charity with extensive ties to Bill Morne…

The Beaverton’s top five four three two one uncancellable hunks of Hollywood

Guess what, Beav Babes? The annual list you’ve been waiting for is finally here! Every year we assemble a list of five guaranteed unproblematic hot Hollywood hunks that you can crush on, 100% gui…

Resident Evil Village Review: A relaxing escape from reality

RACCOON CITY – The eighth instalment of the Resident Evil franchise continues right where the series left off, inserting the player in a zombie-infested post-apocalyptic wasteland that quic…

Doug Ford reveals Stage 3 has no plan to re-open schools, but will lower drinking age to 8

QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by l…

Fate of global superpower once again rests on immune system of old lady

BALTIMORE – All eyes are on John Hopkins Hospital as the future of one of the most powerful political entities in the history of the human race comes down to the ability of the white blood …

Airline will no longer refund ticket holders whose lovers run to the airport last minute, with a change of heart, asking them not to get on flight

PEARSON AIRPORT – Air Canada has announced they will no longer honour refunds from ticket holders whose lovers propose to them at the airport last minute and then plead for them to not get on the…

Man wearing face shield upside down like a pope hat seems to think it’s doing something

Kingston, ON – A Queen’s Masters student who’s been spotted on multiple occasions maskless and wearing a face shield upside down like a cute little pope hat seems to think the incorrectly w…

Scientist invents time travel to mock people in 2016 who thought things were bad then

WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, w…