WASHINGTON D.C. – As the days wind down in the first and potentially only term held by President Trump, the Commander in Chief is reported to be spending his dwindling hours rubbing his penis over every possible surface in the White House.
“It’s spite pure and simple, and it’s the only thing he’s been able to come up with now that most of his strategic advisors have abandoned ship,” reported an unnamed aide, “it’s absolute, dick-wiping chaos.”
Witnesses have confirmed that Trump has not worn pants in days and has spent the majority of his time running the halls in a frenzy, tears streaming from his reddened face, screaming the word “Fraud” over and over. When the president encounters a surface he believes he has not yet pushed his genitals against, he immediately mounts it, mashes his balls into every crevice, and cackles wildly. Janitorial staff have been tasked to simply avoid any clean-up efforts and just allow the 74 year old president to leave all the dick smears he wants until he’s finally gone.
“There are streaks on all the windows and most of the upholstery is just ruined,” confirmed the aide, “and for those who wonder if Mr. Trump uses bronzer on parts of his body beyond the face, the stains on the Lincoln bedroom linens have solved that mystery.”
In a clearly impotent display of anger, Trump appears to believe that days of cock-grinding upon the White House will somehow sabotage the incoming Biden administration’s efforts to undo his past policies. At last count, Trump has smudged his phallus upon the entire Resolute Desk (including inside each drawer), all cutlery in the State Dining Room, and every map in the Map Room. For reasons still unknown, he has chosen to taint-tarnish the portrait of James Monroe no less than 18 times.
Though shielded from the media, the President’s shouts regularly spilled out into the Press Gallery, where mics were able to pick up samples which included: “Take that! And that! Let’s see how you like the oval office now that it’s touched Don Jr. Junior! Hahahaha, I never lose! I’m a winner! I’m a wiiiiiiiiiinnnnnner.”
Secret service agents have been instructed to simply ensure that the President does not suffer any physical injuries during his multi-day schlong-spree. To that end, the entire rose garden has been completely locked down, lest Trump attempt to take his efforts to the outdoors and neglect the risk of thorns.
“I can confirm that Stormy Daniels’ description of Mr. Trump’s equipment is mostly accurate”, reported the aide.
Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani has also spent these final days pantsless, scooting bare-bottomed across all rugs and carpeting inside the First Residence.