LEVERKUSEN, GERMANY – Canesten researchers have unveiled the company’s first-ever fire extinguisher, developed to treat the burning, exploding sensation caused by Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candles.
“Not having your private parts burned off is actually a very important part of vulvar and vaginal health,” explained Dr. Leslie Ware, the company’s Director of Innovation. “If Canesten can conquer the fiery rage of an overpriced candle with our simple one-spray application, imagine what it can do to a pesky little yeast infection.”
This important innovation comes after a U.K. woman claimed her $75 USD “This Candle Smells Like My Vagina” candle from lifestyle company GOOP, owned by Paltrow, exploded in her North London living room.
This report has left many scientists baffled, as it is the first time a GOOP product has had any measurable effect.
“The overlap between our customers and GOOP customers is already huge, thanks to all the yeast infections those vaginal steamers and jade eggs give people,” continued Dr. Ware “This new product will help us generate even more income from the highly-profitable GOOP customer, and of course put out hundreds of literal fires on top of the thousands of figurative ones we put out each year.”
The companion “This Candle Smells Like My Ball Sack” candle has yet to cause any similar incidents, presumably because it has never been lit.