NEWMARKET, ON – A local straight couple is seeking a “fun-loving girl” to join them for a night of relentless disagreements capped off with uninspired boinking.
Kristy Walker, 24, and her boyfriend, Troy Richards, 29, are looking to “spice things up” in their routine of infantile squabbles and humdrum humping with the help of another woman who has zero interest in either of them.
“We’ve been looking for someone for almost three months now,” says Kristy, who has been with Troy for four and a half months. “When you’ve been together so long, it’s important to keep things fresh.”
At first, the couple had hoped to get together with a mutual friend. But those hopes were dashed when their token bisexual acquaintance came over for a night of board games and drinks — and nothing more. “Troy and I were arguing about whether to play Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit, and when we looked up — she was gone,” says Kristy. “She didn’t try to seduce us or anything. It’s like she’d never even seen lesbian porn!”
The night was particularly disappointing to Kristy because she had been hoping for a more experienced woman to take the lead. “We really need someone to give us step-by-step instructions, since I can never get Troy to ask for goddamn directions,” she laments.
Since that night, the couple has taken to trolling dating apps, swiping right on every lesbian, bisexual, and heteroflexible woman they see. But, Kristy promises, it’s not just about the sex. “We know a girl needs romance,” she says coyly. “That’s why it says right on our profile that we’ll take her on a date first. Troy will make his date night specialty – delivery pizza with a room temperature Bud Light – and we’ll just see where the night takes us.”
But unfortunately for Kristy, even the promise of a date hasn’t helped the couple find a compatible third. “I just don’t understand. We have so much to offer. Pizza, beer, a whole four minutes of foreplay — split evenly among the three of us, of course,” she says. “I just don’t get why these women who have never once expressed interest in a threesome don’t want to, like, kiss for a bit and then get railed by my boyfriend’s incredibly average dong.”
Plus, according to Kristy, there are many benefits to inviting a third person into the relationship. “We really need someone to settle whether we’re getting delivery from Pizza Pizza or Pizza Hut,” she explains. “We can’t expect them both to come in one night. That would just be silly.”
At press time, no queer women were available for comment as they were too busy enjoying lasting, fulfilling relationships with their ex-girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend.