Career woman settles

WASHINGTON – Sources confirm that US Senator, former prosecutor and California Attorney General, and lifelong career gal Kamala Harris has finally decided to share her ticket with someone. “Sure,…

Buffalo welcomes Jays with ballpark renovations that include robotic fan chucking beer cans onto the field

BUFFALO – In an attempt to welcome the Toronto Blue Jays into their 2020 home, Buffalo’s Sahlen Field has added a number of details to make the Blue Jays feel like they are playing at the R…

Putin assures world COVID-19 vaccine has been rigorously tested on political opponents

MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced the successful development of the world’s first COVID-19 vaccine, which was rigorously tested on his political opponents and journali…

Super Soaker wielding Priest just baptized the shit out of this kid

Goderich, ON — Since the COVID outbreak, the Catholic church has begun social distance baptizing, arming their priests with holy water-guns, shooting from the hip to bring young children into the…

Local woman makes old Barbies kiss just to feel something

MONTREAL – This week, Lauren Katsufrakis’ friends and family were growing increasingly concerned as she had been repeatedly making her old dolls make out in order to feel anything aside fro…

Lockheed Martin waves shiny metal dick at Canadian government in $19 billion mating display

OTTAWA – Aerospace manufacturer Lockheed Martin has presented its newest metal phallus to the Canadian government in a bid to win the $19 billion competition to replace the military’s aging…

Citing a culture of fear, anti-maskers remove stop signs

TORONTO – Members of an anti-mask group have taken down an intersection’s stop signs to remove what they call a culture of fear towards oncoming traffic. For years, the red octagons have te…

Conservatives allow Andrew Scheer to re-open debate on abortion as a special goodbye treat

OTTAWA – As Andrew Scheer’s terms as Conservative Party leader nears its end, party brass has decided to give the departing leader a special sendoff: permission to re-open the abortion deba…

Where are they now? We sat down with Don Cherry and immediately regretted it

In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purcha…

Quebec completes construction of 90-foot-tall Bonhomme the Redeemer statue

QUEBEC CITY – Contractors working for the province have officially confirmed substantial completion on the landmark, 38 metre tall statue of Bonhomme Carnaval, overlooking all of Quebec City. The…