WASHINGTON, D.C. – Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and Senior Advisor, is adamant that Trump has an excellent chance of winning the 2020 presidential election assuming Trump’s parents are willing to dig deep and give the Electoral College a very large donation.
“If there’s one thing I learned at Harvard, it’s that anyone can get what they want from any college as long as their parents give that college enough money,” Kushner said today during an interview on CNN. “It’s actually the only thing I learned at Harvard. That, and that it’s profoundly easy to graduate with honours from Harvard. Literally 90% of my class did.”
Kushner, who was accepted to America’s most prestigious university despite relatively low grades and a middling SAT score after his father Charles Kushner pledged $2.5 million to the school, is putting his urgent COVID-19 task-force and Middle-East peace plan work on hold while he looks into how much money Trump’s wealthy and deceased parents would have to promise the Electoral College in order to secure their son’s future.
“It’s a balancing act to figure out how much the Electoral College wants. Do they need to build an entirely new library complex or is it enough to just lavishly refurbish the chancellor’s office?” Kushner explained. “And since I don’t even know where the Electoral College is located, that makes it more difficult. Based on the name I suspect it’s an electronic school and if so I assume they only take bitcoin donations.”
While most parents who give large bribes to ease the way for their children do it while they are still alive, the fact that Trump’s father bailed out his son financially numerous times during his life has given Kushner the strong belief that once he reaches Fred Trump, that trend will continue. “I was still able to talk to my own father even when he was in federal prison, so, assuming Saks or Bergdorfs carries Ouija boards, I’m sure we can reach my grandfather-in-law and come to an arrangement.”
Kushner is incredibly optimistic about Donald Trump’s chances for re-election once the specifics of the donation to the Electoral College have been worked out. “I’ve yet to come across a single problem that can’t be solved by the judicious application of paternal money,” he said. “And neither has the president.”
At press time, Kushner was seen screaming “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” into the face of the very confused dean of a local electrician’s trade college.