Premier Ford injures hands from repetitive finger-wagging

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford was sent to the emergency room after injuring both hands from repetitive finger-wagging during a recent COVID-19 press conference. Ford’s two index finge…

Government promises to fulfill promises it promised five years ago

OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago. “We’re so sorry, …

Wall adjacent to Breonna Taylor’s apartment grateful for justice to have been served

LOUISVILLE, KY – After a botched narcotics raid resulted in the murder of 26-year-old EMT Breonna Taylor this March, a grand jury announced today that ex-officer Brett Hankison would face three c…

“The extra C stands for Canada,” says newly christened Cconservative Party

OTTAWA – Canada’s official opposition party has unveiled a new logo and a new name to go with it, and are proudly inviting Canadians to say hello to the new Cconservatives. “We’re putting C…

Braless woman braces for nipply weather

MISSISSAUGA, ON 一 Since the start of September, staunch anti-bra advocate Laurel Cobb has been preparing herself and her nipples for colder autumn weather. “Fall is definitely the hardest season …

Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you

Zoom call, ON – Last Friday during a grueling 12 minute zoom call with your parents, they both explained that the current hopeless, terrible, deadly pandemic restricting everyone to stay in…

Local man vows to get even less done during second wave of COVID

TORONTO – Local man Todd Walters has made a resolution that should the COVID-19 virus force him into quarantine again, he will accomplish even less with the extra time off. “After I went ba…

Governor General grants Royal Assent using tears of her staffers

OTTAWA – Acting on behalf of Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, Governor General Julie Payette has granted several pieces of legislation Royal Assent by inscribing her signature with the tear…

Latest US outbreak traced to Coronavirus eating contest

MIAMI – Amid spiking COVID-19 figures in the United States, experts have determined that the source of a recent outbreak was a Coronavirus eating contest from two weeks ago. “We suspect that Chuc…

B.C. NDP celebrate low COVID numbers by gathering large amounts of people indoors to vote

VICTORIA – B.C. Premier John Horgan has been riding a wave of good poll numbers due in no small part to the success B.C. has had keeping coronavirus infections in the province down, and the…