OTTAWA – Health Canada announced this morning that they have come up with their official vaccine pecking order and, as expected, those dudes who insist on wearing shorts all winter will get the vaccine last.
“This is a deadly pandemic and there are only so many vaccine doses, so hard choices had to be made,” said Minister Patty Hajdu. “Our priorities are healthcare workers, the elderly, professional hockey players, everyone else and then those guys who feel the need to prove how tough they are by exposing their knees during a blizzard.”
“Like – what’s your deal bro?” she added.
The ‘shorts in winter’ dude subculture emerges every November, prompting a national reaction of “the fuck?” Although not intrinsically harmful to their health, it is the type of idiotic, hubristic behaviour that health officials say they can not sanction by protecting them from COVID.
“Obviously we don’t want COVID to kill anyone. But if someone has to go do you want it to be your Nan or Brett, who wears plaid shorts, ankle socks and tennis shoes in January and claims he ‘doesn’t feel the cold?'” asked Dr. Theresa Tam.
For their part the shorts wearers seem to respect the decision. “It’s a bit of a bummer but if this is the price I pay for looking awesome and showing off my sweet Rick and Morty calf tattoo, then so be it,” said Brett. “Also COVID is a total hoax anyway so NBD.”
Just ahead of winter shorts boys on the vaccine list are people who cut their nails on the subway, anglos who over pronounce French words, and anyone who has complained about missing brunch during the pandemic.